Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I don't deserve a penis
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
