If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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