I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I am one with the molecules
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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