I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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