I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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