did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
