DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
