Old men and throwing up are my life now.
worst night to have a conscience
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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