My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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