He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Pooping to opera.
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