I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
