Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
