Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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