Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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