I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
