i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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