I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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