areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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