Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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