my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
