remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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