Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize