Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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