me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
they're like a gay fantastic four
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
