I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
