This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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