He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
