I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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