You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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