Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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