remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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