Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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