you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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