I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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