You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Randomize
