I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
