Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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