I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
