So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
