It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
did i just pee glitter
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
