Have you finally orgasmed yet?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
