i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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