I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
