i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
