This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize