My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
