You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
