my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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