im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize