hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
