Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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