I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
