I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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