dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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