Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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