Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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