if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
