we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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