i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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