i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
